You know those people who are addicted to helping? Who will go out of their way to solve other people’s problems, but won’t touch their own? I think I’m one of them. In my everyday life I try to help people solve their health problems by telling them about the healthy living tools that I’ve picked up in my travels: The Work, flower essences, herbs, supplements, how to keep your blood sugar from spiking, and on and on, and I never truly focus on working these things into my life. I have the best intentions. I make a lot of plans and lists. I spend a lot of time thinking about how to make life the best for me. But do I put these plans into motion? Well, I try. But I usually fail. It’s like I subconsciously believe that everyone else deserves perfect health and happiness, and I don’t. That I should help others to succeed, and my success and wellbeing is not a priority. It’s like I try to get people to love me by helping them, and when I don’t help, when I’m not selfless or I don’t have the appearance of being selfless, I feel unlovable. I think not taking my own lifestyle advice makes me look like a hypocrite, and makes me seem somewhat false.

I’ve decided that the last few posts in this chapter of Getting Healthy will be entirely about me. I’m not going to think about what I think you’d like to read. I’m just going to write about me, and risk not being liked because I’m not actively helping. Here goes.

Exercise
No dedicated exercise in the past week, aside from 20 minutes of cardio one morning. I have been walking an awful lot, to and from the train station (about 10 minutes each way), from the bus to Boyfriend’s house (about 20 minutes), and shopping (for up to 6 hours at a time). My family is Hindu and so we don’t really celebrate Christmas. Christmas Eve day and Christmas Day are two of the quietest days in the year for me. I’m going to try and get some exercise in on those two days. And I’m going to jump on the bandwagon and ask you for help. For every person who comments on this entry, I am going to do one morning of exercise (meaning cardio and weights, or just cardio depending on the day).

Diet is, for the most part, terrible. I’m eating a lot of junk food, and it’s stress-eating. I’m eating every meal (except for today, I skipped lunch) and I recently cooked a big meal to eat during the week (lentils and vegetables). However the food, although it looks appetising in this picture, isn’t. There’s something about tinned lentils, the way the skins come away from the rest of the lentil, that I find offputting. I have a whole dishful of this concoction, but I’m reluctant to eat it. I think what I need to do is feed it to someone who does like it, or throw it out and make something else. There is no point making or keeping healthy food if I’m not enjoying it.

One of my main problems with food, which I may not even have mentioned because I hate explaining it to people, is anxiety. I am anxious about the food I eat. I have a specific list of foods that I consider ‘safe’, no matter how irrational that is, and in times of stress I tend to want to stick to those foods. If I eat foods that aren’t safe, sometimes it’s alright, but sometimes I get really anxious. I feel terrified, I feel like my life is ending, I feel unsafe and horrible, and like I’ll never be happy again. Most of the foods on the safe list are junk foods. I have no solution to this issue right now, all I have is the acknowledgment of the issue.

Body shot

As you can see, I got my hair cut. My long hair was weighing me down, so I thought it was time for a change! I’m hoping that this hair cut will inspire me to be a bit more confident, spunky and odd, i.e. a bit more in line with the person I feel I am inside. Then again, it’s just hair. I’m still getting used to the new cut. First of all, some of my clothes now no longer suit me, because my big, long hair was, to some extent, balancing out my proportionally large hips. But that’s OK, I can give those clothes to friends. It’ll be fun working out how to dress myself again!

Are you a helper personlity? Are there areas in your life in which you’re selfless to a fault?