My “Getting Healthy” Info

1. As of the beginning of this project, what are your height and weight?

Right now I’m at about 5’3″-5’4″ and about 110 pounds, give or take a few.
This is me, in the best show-all photos I can find (My camera was recently stolen. At my birthday party of all things. Who sucks that much?!):
You’ll all see more photos of me, and my progress in later posts. Once my husbands home I’ll have someone to take a picture of me. Score!

Yes, that is a toga! For said birthday party!

I’m clearly crazy. Please excuse!

Hey there, a make-shift bikini!

2. We all know that numbers never give us the big picture. When you think of your body – its size, shape, strength and health – how do you feel?

This itself is an incredibly loaded question for me. There are so many different answers I could give you, but at the end of the day only one of them is true. I feel like crap. At the end of every day I’m not happy with the way I look. My stomach pooches out too far, my love handles are too flabby, my arms have too much muscle. There’s always SOMETHING that gets in the way from me feeling okay about my body, and about myself. It’s a constant struggle for me, and a total mind game. It doesn’t matter what I weigh, or how I look on that particular day. I will always find that one flaw, that one thing that nobody else sees, and I’ll obsess over it, constantly. And with that said…

3. Based on all of that, what is your biggest goal in the Getting Healthy project? What is one thing you must accomplish during the next two months?

…is exactly why I’m here. To get healthy physically, and to give myself a mental makeover. I guess you could say out of the two, the most important is my mental health. Though, the two go hand in hand quite well.
I don’t know where the best place to open up about the main reason why I’m here is… so I guess this is good a place as any.
So, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, shall we?

I’ve had an active Eating Disorder for a little over two years now. Anorexia, to be more specific. It hasn’t been diagnosed properly by a physician, but it’s what I’ve diagnosed myself with. I’ve never been to a doctor about my disorder, nor do I ever plan to. I want to say this right off the bat, so that my readers know where I stand on this specific thing. I do not believe that therapy is what’s best for me. I am a firm believer in kicking things the old fashion way – on my own. Does this mean I look down upon therapy, and the wonder that it’s done for people?  ABSOLUTELY NOT. I think that every person heals and copes with things differently. What works for one, does not work for all. This is COMPLETELY okay with me. Whew. I just needed to say that first, just to… lay it out there. I know that many people will disagree, and I accept that. We’ll agree to disagree, and call it a day, yeah?
Anyway, this started the summer after my senior year in High School. My boyfriend (now hubby) had just left for boot camp, and I was working 12-15 hour days, 6 days a week. I barely had time to sleep, think, or breathe ANYTHING other than work… let alone eat. At first the weight loss was completely accidental. I had been, at my highest weight, about 140. Which doesn’t sound like much to a lot of people. And you have no idea how many people roll their eyes at me when I say this. But on me, and TO me especially, that was a lot of weight. I had never been happy with they way I looked. Boys never liked me for my looks, but rather my personality. Which is great… but nobody passes out awards to the great personality in High School. We all know that. The looks ruled the school… and needless to say, I didn’t. Not because I was slightly pudgy, but because I had ZERO confidence in myself. Which made me go unnoticed.
When the pounds started coming off, the praise began. People started telling me how great I looked, how pretty. It’s such crap that this affected me, but it did. It’s hard not to let it. I fed off that energy. I NEEDED the compliments. I needed to see the surprise in people’s eyes when they saw me.
My parents were struggling in their marriage, my friendships were falling apart, my boyfriend was thousands of miles away and I couldn’t talk to him. There was nothing in my life that I could control.
Except the weight. The weight I could control. I’d seen it happen, without even trying. It was effortless, losing that weight.
And then I realized… if I can control THIS I’ll be okay. If I can look good, if I can feel great about who I am, about the way I look… I’ll have the world in my hands.
All those compliments, all that praise… led me right to where I am today.
I stopped eating on purpose. I worked twice as hard as I normally did, burning off everything I could.
And over the months/years it developed into a way of life. So much more than a habit. It was a lifestyle.

I counted calories, restricted carbs and fats. I stopped drinking milk and eating dairy. I cut out all junk food, all fast food, and all sweets. Though I’d occassionaly (and still) binge on anything and everything chocolate. I eventually became a vegetarian, only eating fish when there were no other options.
It STILL is a lifestyle for me.
So much has changed in the past two years, I have changed so much. And yet through it all I’ve come to feel worse about my body. I’ve come to dislike who I am even more. This disease, this thing I thought that I could control… that I THOUGHT could make me better… has sucked me down an even slippier slope.
I can’t go a second without obsessing over my weight. I change clothes fifty times in front of the mirror before finding something that covers me up from head to toe. So nobody knows what’s really underneath. I get angry clothes shopping, and nothing ever looks right. I hate the way certain places on my body feel, and I cringe whenever my husband touches the places I deem “bad areas”. And to be completely honest, this has ruined our sex life.
At 140 pounds I still felt sexy with the husband. At my heaviest weight, I felt sexy with him. Now, at my lowest weight yet, I shy away when he touches me. I worry about the way I look in front of him naked. I’m scared that I might jiggle in an unattractive way, or he’ll find an unpleasant hidden roll.

He thinks I’m crazy. Everyone thinks I’m crazy. You have no idea how hard it is to tell people about what I’m going through. They look at me up and down and smirk.

SHE has an eating disorder?

She doesn’t look sick!

Oh, whatever, it must not be that bad if you can’t see all her bones!

I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of lying. And I’m tired of being scared.

This is where it ends.
This is where I say enoughs enough, and where I start getting better.
This is the first step of becoming the new me. The real me.
That’s my goal. That’s what I’m trying to achieve.

4. Do you have any secondary goals? What are they?

To feel sexy. Every damn day.
Naked or fully clothed. Dressed up or down.
I want to rock this body!

5. What’s your day-to-day lifestyle like? What are you into? (We’d just like to get to know you better!)

I’m a work-aholic, to start. And when I’m not focused on lattes and whole bean… I’m spending time with my studly husband and our house full of critters. We’ve only been out here in Seattle for a little over a year… and neither one of us have made too many friends. So we usually keep to ourselves. I like that, though, the privacy. I could stand to have a bit more of a social life though, which I also plan to work on in the next upcoming weeks. I’m hoping that by being a little bit more okay with myself will motivate me to put myself out there more. To try new things.
I guess you could say my life is pretty typical, and incredibly routine. I’m surprisingly okay with this though.
I spend a whole bunch of my time reading, writing, singing, listening to music, and decorating our house. Which I’ve developed quite a knack for, if I may toot my own horn a wee bit .
My lifestyle, on the health side… would probably scare the crap out of most people. I don’t exercise… at all. Aside from the workout I get at work lifting heavy matts and coffee urns, I don’t get much elsewhere. Last fall I started running around our neighborhood nightly, but gave it up once it got cold. I need to start this up again, but I honestly just can’t get into it. I’d love to take an suggestions anyone has on ways to get myself motivated, or even great ways to exercise… that don’t really FEEL like exercise. If you know what I mean!

6. What is one way that our readers can get you motivated, right out of the gate?

I’d say by being open and responsive to what they read. I want to know your insight on things. I want you to ask questions and be involved in my life. If there’s something you think could benefit me, share it with me! I’d also love to here YOUR stories. If you relate to me on something, I think it would be great to hear about it. To know that there are others out there going through the same troubles and changes that I am.

7. Anything else you’d like to share with us, to help everyone get to know you?

I’m an honest person, and I love people. Hopefully all of you get to see that over the next couple of weeks. I really want to grow from this, and I need your encouragment, as well as your criticism.
I really look forward to getting to know my readers.
I’m really just excited to have such a wonderful oppurtunity, and to be a part of such an amazing group of women!
I know this is a lot to take in, in the first post. And I promise not all my posts will be so wordy and full of information. You’ll learn a lot about me. You’ll see me struggle and fail. But I want to be a person that other women going through the same thing can come to. For advice, for a shoulder, for comfort… for anything. I want to know that others are struggling right there beside me.

So, I’m ready to take the leap. I’m sure I’m going to fall. Probably a lot.
But I’m ready to beat this.

Who’s with me?