Amanda – Week Five: Feeling like a half-rockstar
First – thank you all for your encouraging words and advice on my last post. I know I didn’t get around to commenting on ALL of them, but I did read each and every one of them. I am so ridiculously proud to be a part of this group, and know so many amazing women. You all helped me out so much this week, I can’t even begin to thank you enough.
It’s been a fairly great week, for the most part. Aside from waking up yesterday morning with a Sinus headache meant for the devil, and waking up today with snot coming out of every orifice you can imagine (insert really gross and unrealistic mental image here). On top of that, I had to have my shift covered at work yesterday so I could take care of my husband who (in his own words) “was getting his wisdom teeth ripped out of his skull”. Haha 
He’s kindof a big dork, but it was really fun to baby him and cater to him. Not that I don’t end up doing that anyway, but whatever. Aside from those two things… this week was just full of work and the ocassional hang out with friends, who I always have a great time with! With Christmas just around the corner, I’m a little bit stressed out and have probably too much anxiety.
But I haven’t smoked a cigarette in three days, and I’ve been eating SOMETHING every morning. Whether it’s just a few slices of an orange, a handful of granola, or (yesterday) an entire bagel… I’ve been making sure I put something in my body EVERY single morning. Somedays I feel incredibly guilty and want to down laxatives to get it out of my system, and other times it actually keeps me feeling energized and hungry thoughout the day. So, this week I’m pretty proud of myself. I haven’t really been eating MORE, I’ve just been spacing out what I’d typicaly eat all at night, throughout the day. I’m working my way up to adding more to my diet, but I’m not entirely there yet. Which is completely okay, I’m learning.
As for the laxatives: I’ve been cutting way, way back. So much back, infact, that I can’t remember what day I last took some. I bought V8 juice high in fiber, and a complete fiber cereal, too. Which I thought would taste like total crap, and infact is really good! I looked at all the fiber supplements at the drug store the other day, and was blown away with how much it costs! SERIOUSLY?! You want 13 dollars for a bottle of pills? I don’t get it.
Then again
a.) I can’t put a price on getting healthy and
b.) I only looked at one store, so they could have totally jacked up the price.
In other words, I’m trying really hard to kick this addiction to them. ‘Cause like a fine lady commented to me on my last post she “didn’t want to be in diapers” by the time she was 50. I’m completely with her on this. I’m ruining my body and it’s ridiculous. I have NO excuse not to take better care of this situation. So that started this week. It’s going to be a slow transition, being able to become regular WITHOUT the use of laxatives. Yet, I know I can do it, and I know how great I will feel when I’m not constantly crampy and in pain from them.
Meals haven’t been going as WELL as I’ve planned. Aside from the small breakfasts, I’m still not doing great with eating much during the day to keep my energy up. It’s just a total mind game for me, day in and day out. I’m having real trouble getting past it. If I find myself reaching for the loaf of bread to make a sandwhich… I freak out. Again, it comes back to that awful questioning inside my head. Why, why, why?! That’s what I ask myself at all times. WHY do I need this damn food? I can survive without it! (Yeah. right. girlfriend.)
Mental: I’m doing much better than last week. For some reason I had nearly lost all faith in myself, and was so close to given up. But the encourament I’ve received from all of you, as well as friends, family, AND husband (he read all of my posts to date. And we’ve been talking much more about my problems and how he can help!!)… I’m doing so much better. I’m still scared that I won’t be able to beat this, and that I’m going to mess myself up even further. I’ve got to conquer these fears, though. ‘Cause that’s what is going to hold me back the most. And we don’t need that now, do we?
My (realistic) goal for next week:
Two full meals a day.
No, this doesn’t include snacking or my pathetic excuse for breakfast.
I need to eat TWO full meals. Every day.
I know I need more than that, but at this point even one full meal is a scary idea for me.
So setting myself a goal of two may be setting me up for failure. But I want to believe that I can do it. So I’m really going to try.
Can any of you give me ideas on what kind of meals to create that WONT make me feel guilty, but will give me the necessary vitamins/minerals/proteins and such that I need?
So, for this week I’m only half a rockstar. I wanted to accomplish much more. Instead of calling myself a failure for not doing as well as I’d hoped, though, I’ll say I’m just half shy of where I could be.
This is short and sweet and to the point this week. My mind can barely function becuase of this bloody sinus headache, and the snot dripping from my nose.
Cross your fingers/toes/whatever you can cross… in hopes that I can really tackle this goal.
And my cold D:
<3<3
Just a few photos of me these past weeks:
^^Happy Holidays! (this was our Christmas photo to fam/friends)
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Congrats on breakfast and cutting so far back on the laxatives! I’m proud of you! :3
If you’re actually interested in a super source of fiber that’s not going to leave you guilty about “eating too much” (and won’t break the bank), I would suggest Fiber One original cereal. It’s 56% of your daily fiber intake in half a cup and 100 calories! It’s also packed with vitamins and minerals. I’ve been eating it for years because the damage I did to my system with stimulant laxatives made my GI tract sluggish and it’s wonderful stuff. I eat it for breakfast with half a cup of sugar-free yogurt and sometimes a chopped apple or raisins in it. All very low-cal, light, not bulky, and veryvery good for you.
You’re doing great, honey! Keep thinking happy thoughts and know that there are loads of people out here rooting for you. I’ll keep sending the positive juju your way! <3
Jaka Merriman´s last blog ..Canadian Fashion 2010 Paper Dolls
For meals:
Breakfasts– half a bagel or whole wheat English Muffin (the later often has fewer calories, so it may be a good bridge), an egg cooked to your preference, and a banana/strawberries, or you could swap a bowl of oatmeal for the bagel/muffin.
This should come in at…300-350 GOOD calories, which is a good start for breakfast. If you look at the fiber content of the bagels/english muffins/oatmeal, you can easily find some with upwards of 6g of fiber in them.
For other meals, you could try a serving of chicken breast (if you eat meat? I feel like you don’t. maybe marinate it in a light Italian dressing), a small sweet potato, some broccoli, maybe a small side of whole wheat or Barilla Plus pasta (higher in fiber protein).
Jaka’s right– you ARE doing great. Don’t feel that you’re setting yourself up for failure by setting a more challenging goal– because even if you walk away eating 1 full meal a day, you’ve still made a significant improvement. Don’t let that be an excuse, but it’s a knowledge you aren’t failing, no matter what.
And it’s wonderful to hear that darling hubby is reading the posts and working to help. <3
Ashe Mischief´s last blog ..20 Days of Christmas: Notebooks & Planners
I can relate to this. I’ve been in a less-than-healthy place with food, and I’m still struggling with the notion of more than one meal a day — thankfully, no longer out of a motivation to vanish! It’s more like “oh, I’ve got so much else going, food can wait”. Unfortunately, I’m great at making it wait.
Best of luck, Amanda. I’ll be thinking of you and following your posts. <3
Verena´s last blog ..TUESDAY afternoon, for real: 15 dec 2009
Breakfast: veggie omelet. I make these in muffin tins and it’s super easy and pre-portioned, so you don’t feel like you’re eating “too much”, but it’s really satisfying and full of good stuff.
6-8 eggs, depending on how full you want the cups. You can also substitute some of the eggs for egg whites if that’s better.
1.5 cups chopped veggies
optional: low-fat cheese, turkey (or other lean lunch meat)
I saute things unlikely to “bake soft” on their own, i.e. onions, peppers, etc. I beat the eggs, then combine with veggies & a little cheese. I use either fat-free or olive oil cooking spray to grease the muffin tin, then equally portion out the mixture. I bake at 325 for 18 minutes +/-, until eggs are fluffy and cooked through. You can refrigerate for a full week. I reheat for 30 seconds in the microwave in the morning.
Voila! Breakfast that you don’t have to think about that keeps you going for at least a couple of hours and has a ton of nutrients and protein.